This blog is dedicated to the memory of David Weintraub, who took on insidious astroturfers and won.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Flutter Wings

I have an idea. Its kinda fucked up. I've been thinking about contacting my first ex-wife and apologizing sincerely for breaking up with her when our daughter was so jung. I will envision my daughter's crying, pleading two year old baby face looking up to me, remembering that awfulest moment when I stepped out of Maria's VW for the final time, my little grrl crying her eyes out as her mother sped angrily away and left me to my own desert.

I saw Maria at my daughters wedding awhile back/ she's remarried, serious, middle aged, matronly, together. Married to an old skkkool Southern gentleman as far from me as La. is from LA.

Frau Tale liked her.

="Pete's never changed".

Frau Tale reported Maria's assessment back in our hotel room with the commanding view of the massive apartment complex that replaced the Jackie Robinson Houses they built when they tore down Ebbetts Field.

=She feels very, very sorry for you. How everythings turned out.

Another phone call I need to make is to this woman in New Orleans. I spent two intense years with her there in the middle 90s.

New Orleans is where I should have gone and stayed.

But didnt. Lena's a successful businesswoman and amateur ballerina, all the right stuff in all the right places, looks a bit like an athletic Shelly Duvall, demure sweetness of total control.

Over you.

I captured her in my hands and felt the dust of her fluttering wings on my fingers. I sawed her heart in two but in so doing it was I who bled.

The worst death imaginable, the one that doesnt kill you, the one that you can't imagine and never feel.

Recently, I found her website and her picture, looking coolly serene and everwise, a graceful fortress of feminine vulnerability.

There's reasons I choose to sublimate, ego problems, stupid, nonsensical, manhood failures. There's the fact that my son was just a baby at the time. She had two little kidz and I couldnt bring myself to raise hers and leave mine behind. They are in college now and he's in high skool. I didnt really raise him up, anyway.

I could always feel the resentiment rising like I a prisoner in a fancy Uptown mansion.

We spent every weekend together, mostly in bed, making love five times, sometimes ten, while I picked the lock on her soul in the upstairs bedroom overlooking the guest house and the immaculate garden. She always told her elderly, Catholic parents I stayed in that guest house and she insisted that we lie to them about the nature of our relationship.

We were just friends.

=You own me.

She gasped after the shuddering spasms subsided for the moment.

I found another grrlfriend for the workweeks back in DFW, a slight vietnamese grrl with the lithe, silky body of a preteen. She was 26, I swear, and she had a redneck BF up in Arkansas who regularly threatened to come down and exterminate me in the prime of my perversion just as soon as the judge restored his drivers license. I probably need to give her a call, too.

Flights into New Orleans International slowly tapered off to every other week, then every third week, then less.

Finally, excuses.

=I have too much work.

I said g'bye to Uptown forever.

Goodbye, my slave. Hello, slavery.

I mailed her this song I wrote about us. It had written itself in a weirdly. emotionally accurate chord progression.

In Between

In the beginning
you came every morning
you were the sun
rising up
without warning

In the end
I lost you
in a fog
In the end
I kissed too many frogs

but in between
you were alive
beside me
your mending soul
defined you
you were alive
you were alive
beside me

And in between
I was alive
beside you
your poetry
revived me
I was alive
I was alive

inside you!

I crossed the rubicon
inside you

She never wrote back. I called her once. She answered and spoke to me in a glum monotone. I felt like she was acting it up, but Ha! So was I.

Neither of us would ever be free.

Some lawyer who'd chased her around for years had presented her with a diamond ring.

I told her all about Glory.

=Oh, Pete. Why can't you learn to value yourslef?

=I do. I do. I do.

I don't know.

14 comments:

socrates said...

There's a scene from the movie Glengarry Glenross. Alec Baldwin stares down Jack Lemmon and says, "Put that coffee down."

I don't think we can go back in time and try to contact the ones we've hurt, especially from love relationships. Well, unless we're trying to score with them again. Heh.

It's like blogging. You wrote it. You own it.

Sure, we still have the ability to retract and make amends for any blogging mistakes.

That's just ourselves making public comments. That's quite different from calling up an ex out of the blue, because we feel the need to apologise. Now family, that's acompletely different matter, imho. Blood is thicker than water.

Maybe it's human nature to try to fix directly all the bad karma we've created. Maybe it's better to just move on and try not to make similar mistakes with anyone else. One's intentions may be admirable, yet the person on the other end probably doesn't want to hear it, especially after many years. I don't think that all's fair in love and war, but sometimes shit happens.

socrates said...

Though if making amends with your first wife could have a good influence on your daughter, that might work.

socrates said...

I guess now's as good a time as ever to talk some meta.

According to Alexa, this website has moved ahead of dives such as Pffugeecamp and FSZ. Unless of course one is concerned with readership (robots and spiders) coming out of India, Vietnam, and the Phillipines.

I think places like this can do well, due to it being a google production. They take care of their own with the search engine. Plus, I've kind of come up with more interesting stuff the last couple months, things on the satanic panic. I have kind of figured out how to play the search word game. Anyone who searched on google for say Larouche or Jeremiah Duggan or other stuff I got into, they were bound to find this blog.

Laura has come out with some crazy stuff at Pffugee. More info than one needed to know. Her Mom has had four husbands. Her Dad killed a man when he was 19. I guess it's her way of explaining why her blogging is so bad. The good old, hey don't blame me, I'm white trash excuse.

It's simply amazing how most of them at Pffugee are hard core conspiracy theorists. They definitely sound like stereotypical right woos left bozos, as if they truly are attending Larouche meetings, reading Alex Jones and Michael Rivero.

Laura was demanding proof that Huey Long was corrupt. I knew All The King's Men was fiction. I knew she would twist that around. I posted it anyway. If was like my Christmas gift to her.

Donkeytale, you did quite well exposing Failreft or fakeleft. So he spins Nixon as a liberal, wants surveillance in urban areas, is against affirmative action, is pro that holocaust denying President of Iran. Let me guess the spelling of his name. Ahmanejedad. That's a tough name to spell.

When did Maryscotty O'connor get so boring? MyLeftWing is unreadable. I'm not saying I'm God's gift to the blogosphere, but then again, I try to mix up my schtick once in a while. She's all bold print, curses, and rants. Getting into the satanic panic was a good move. I'm surprised there isn't more chatter about the Amanda Knox story. One of our own got railroaded in Italy, because some prosecutor is a nutjob.

I think my recent blog entry on Felix and Susan Polk was good. It shows that there is something weird going on, even to this day, where Phd. therapists are manipulating victims of pedophilia and with multiple personality disorders of believing they were abused by govt. sponsored satanic ritual abuse and mkultra cults. It'd be nice to know how big this story is. I've found one doctor and one victim. My first estimate was that there are hundreds of these victims. Now I'm thinking thousands.

Theresa Duncan was hot, but ultimately I am seeing her as being overrated. She went insane. Maybe her diagnosis was whiteyspheric delusions. She would have fit in well at Pffugee.

I guess I've got one more thing. Eric says he was banned by Laura, but he has provided no proof. Then again, I wouldn't put it past Laurajohn to block his account. Vox Humana as usual has gone Ned Flanders on him. Vox is like a smarter, nicer version of supergump. Speaking of which, that dude played me for a fool once again. He did it last year, when after I supplied him with tons of links and ideas concerning Bev Harris, Larisa, and whatnot, he then proceeded to keep slamming me. I've been vindicated by the way concerning Larisa Alexandrovna and all the other cretins like Kimberlin, Friedman, and Arnebeck I've outed as hoax promoters.

Anyway, Supergump went out of his to troll me at MyLeftWing. Last month or two ago, he asked me for info on Andy Stephenson. I provided it. All I got in return was the sounds of crickets chirping.

Those guys are nutjobs. Pffugee, FSZ, and MyLeftWing. Of course, DKos stinks too. Soapblox culture really shit the bed. Fake left more like it. And boring. That's the worst part of all those blogs. They aren't even a good read.

socrates said...

Hey, Davefromqueens.com is back, though there hasn't been a new entry since June, 2009. I guess I owe an apology to Antoinette for giving out to her for white walling the place. On a related note, for some reason that domain doesn't show up at all for the wayback machine, not even a robots.txt block, as if it never existed.

Anonymous said...

I pour my soul into a vividly personal memoir of anguished suffering and remorse and I get top billing or all of 15 minutes, only to be bested by Nigeriean machine guns, Megan Fox's hammerthumb and some kkkrappy music video repeats, no less.

RIOTOUS!

Out.

socrates said...

It was my way of playing the Wizard to your Travis Bickle.


Travis: I've got a lot of bad thoughts in my head

Wizard: You are what your job is. You're a taxi driver. You're young. Go get drunk, laid...

Travis: That's got to be about the stupidest thing I ever heard

I thought the hammerthumb would be good for the ratings. I messed up.

Maybe I'll head over to PffugeeCamp and make one final diary giving you top billing.

I do see you're being lazy signing in to post. It would take you 20 extra seconds. Get yourself an avatar. Cut your hair. Shave once in a while. You also should figure out how to take screenshots and post images. It'd do wonders for your schtick.

Anonymous said...

Here's one for donk:

"Writing itself, if not misunderstood and abused, becomes a way of empowering the writing self. It converts anger and disappointment into deliberate and durable aggression, the writer's main source of energy. It converts sorrow and self-pity into empathy, the writer's main means of relating to otherness. Similarly, his wounded innocence turns into irony, his silliness into wit, his guilt into judgment, his oddness into originality, his perverseness into his stinger."

From "Writing in the Cold: The First Ten Years," by legendary editor and founder of New American Review, Ted Solotaroff.

-eric S.

Anonymous said...

An udder...

Donk, do you really think blogs are the venue for your inner life? Something I know about. We cast pearls before swine. We offer your inner life to the soulless likes of a Laura, who's appreciation for it is limited to what she can dislodge to tar us. And every once and a while, as today, there's the well-meaning socrates.

I'll have some new movies to show everybody soon.

-Eric S.

socrates said...

Eric, get a blogger username with the email address you gave me. I can invite you to blog your videos or whatever you like.

I'm not a big fan of going near the tar-baby concept. It has too many racial connotations, but I get your point. Laurajohn is all about dragging people down into the gutter she is in.

Donkeytale just isn't comfortable here, at least yet. He's used to soapblox culture. He's been through it all, as have yourself. Dkos. Then he tried Booman. You both understand how Maryscott O'Connor fumbled within the red zone. You saw how fake left FSZ and Pffugee were.

Eric has nailed the problem. You can spill your guts at those places, donkeytale, but there is such a level of shallowness which cannot be overcome.

When Dave died, it was the blogging, psychological equivalent of JFK or John Lennon being shot.

No one was more addicted to blogging than him. He put FSZ on the map. And look how he got treated.

The blogosphere has turned into Mad Max 2. It's gotten very nihilistic. You can keep feeding the Laurajohn trolls of the world, or you can try to create somethine else, like Dave was trying.

What was done to Eric and myself is inexcusable. Why give shallow, anti-intellectual bores so much of your time and spirit? How is Pffugee any different form FSZ? They don't care about you. They just know without you, the place is over.

And Doberman Pinche and Vox Humana continue on, ever oblivious to Laura's failings, ever posting without a hint of awareness that something is terribly wrong with the place they call their blogging home. If the few nice people can't see what is wrong with Laura and her blog, why remain?

socrates said...

Remember this one, donkeytale?

From the original DFQ.

Someone stole my username to make it seem we are the same person. Then HowardX ripped into me. You explained the situation, and instead of HowardX going ok, gotcha, or asking you more about it, he trolled me some more. I think I was on the mark that FSZ was a UGOG website. It's called controlled opposition. Fingerit (MajorFlaw) is close with Alexandrovna. You are the Number6 of Soapblox, Donkeytale. You just don't realise it.

socrates said...

After reflecting a bit, Donkeytale appears to be displaying some fake leftness. Unless he is joking around about this diary being pushed down from the top, it's quite shallow of him to be dismissing the bad news out of Nigeria.

I actually responded to his post, and he has ignored that. I think He'd rather hang out with the anti-intellectual losers at Pffugeecamp than try to promote higher level thinking. This doesn't mean I'm a snob, but come on, the people at Pffugeecamp sound like Larouche agents.

What was done to Eric was despicable. Donkeytale, if you hang out too much with sadistic people, it will eventually rub off on yourself.

Anonymous said...

Soc,

Blogging is done largely for pleasure, even if that pleasure admits of a certain desire for pain and the infliction of pain. It is easy, the price of admission being largely access to a networked computer. More interactive than watching TV, it enjoys all the rewards of a tightly focused visual field, along with the 'peck the right lever and be rewarded' behavioristic pleasure of a constant supply of endorphins or adrenal juices, and the fantastic waking dream of actually doing something, 'belonging' to a community and 'taking a stand for oneself' in this increasingly anonymous world... albeit, these joys ironically tend to be cultivated through an ongoing anonymity.

Donk just wants an outlet and a bit of respect... and a bit is about all he'll ever get in his guise as historic troll, but he knows that. Sad, because he's the most incisive blogger I've seen out there, with immense gifts for clear political writing and humor, as well as a demonstrative appreciation of RL's vicious twists.

-Eric S.

Anonymous said...

Btw, I believe this past weekend would have been one to celebrate brother Bob Marley's 65th b-day.

Shoulda' mentioned it sooner.

-e

socrates said...

Hi Eric. I agree with your analysis of blogging.

We are all historic trolls. As there was a counter-enlightenment, we have been part of the counter-blogging movement.

What donkeytale lacks in research and screenshots, he compensates with thought provoking prose.

I regret calling him the historic troll. I just got fed up with the trolling done on me. I don't use sock puppets. I've had zombie usernames, but that's different. I didn't appreciate being called sock rat.

I forgive him though, as he's just come from a different part of the blogosphere than me. I do thank you guys for making me feel at home. Other than yourselves and doberman pinche, I can't think of too many others from soapblox who have treated me nicely. I'd still like to know why supersoling went out of his way to troll me at MyLeftWing. He comes from Long Island, where MajorFlaw comes from. That's the only thing I can think of. That he's some kind of fake. I coined him as supergump, because he has popped up all over the place in meta history.

I think I'm over blogging. From this point on, it's all vegetarian gravy. I did what I had to do, and mission accomplished catapulting the anti-propaganda.

Bob Marley was a good guy. I've been going with him as an avatar since late 2006.

You must be jonesing from blogging. It looks like you don't like MLW. I saw you got the Vox Humana treatment. There's something very annoying about him.